Hancock Quotes

Hancock on women:

“I make a quick judgment about Dr. Hannah Rogers: she isn’t much of a shrink, but I’ll probably come back for a second session. Why? She’s got that older lady, slightly nerdy thing going on.”

“This woman is way more intelligent than me. Or is that I? I’m all out of sorts.”

“Next I send a text to Regan, telling her not to phone again, and that if she can afford a lawyer, she can contact mine through hers. Harsh, but you don’t try and remove a wart with a beaded exfoliating scrub.”

“She laughs, and naturally for the first time. How do I know? She laughs like Janice from Friends. Only worse: It sounds like a litter of weaning piglets is being scorched with a flamethrower.”


Hancock on disguises:

I wear my orange wayfarers and a bright-blue Hawaiian shirt so that I don’t look like a tourist.”

“The last time Andre chose my wardrobe he dressed me up like a soccer mom. If I could, I’d avoid the next sartorial disaster.”

“I posed as an African-American homosexual aerobics instructor with a crazy-big afro, and followed Gerry on her running route every morning with a pair of Bolognese dogs I was looking after for a client.”


Hancock on kids:

“Kids can be harsh, and I don’t care for most of the brats, but I’m a big fan of Randy. He’s got a heart of gold, he says please and thank you like a pro, and when he kicks you in the balls, he holds back.”


Hancock on visitors:

“When I walk in the apartment with Jane, she reacts the way most guests do. And when I say ‘guests,’ I mean drunk, impressionable women.”


Hancock on public transport:

“I’ll do anything to not take the bus—including driving around in a vehicle that looks like it’s been specifically designed to transport professional banana peelers to and from work.”


Hancock on simplifying matters:

“Explain it to me like I’m the drunk clown at your six-year-old’s birthday party.”

“I have no idea what the hell she’s doing here. So I ask, ‘What the hell are you doing here?'”


Hancock on sex:

“We’re lying in bed, and have just stopped breathing like walruses that’ve competed against each other in a hundred-yard dash. ”

“That’s all the cue she needs. We fuck like a pair of kangaroos engaged in make-up sex.”