Regular visitors to the blog, if they existed, would know that I love mining comedy goldmines, such as when Amazon decided to sue a load of fake-review writers. I was all over that shit like flies on…well, shit. The same hypothetical readers would know that I love really dumb damming reviews written online by bad-intentioned and misguided assholes, such as this blog post where I critiqued bad reviews of my comedy mystery worst seller. So it goes without saying that if I could somehow combine these two favorite blogging subjects, then I could probably have the most fun I’ve ever had while writing a blog post. With that said, that which went without saying, it just so happens I stumbled upon that perfect subject to blog about. Wait for it…Sharknado 2!
Okay, not strictly Sharknado 2, but reviews of that movie written on the Netflix website. You guys who have never accessed Netflix through the website using a laptop or desktop, like I did in the time before everyone had an iPad and/or a smart TV, might have never seen the extensive collection of reviews Netflix has for the movies you can stream. You’ve been missing out in a big way. People who write reviews for Netflix movies are just like any other demographic of people. The majority are balanced, rational, and functioning human beings, but there’s a small number, and they tend be inherently vocal, who don’t quite get it like the rest of us. And in not getting it, like children, they tend to say the funniest things. This is where the fun is. Choose a favorite Netflix movie, one which has a niche audience, and scroll down until you find a one-star review, and you’ll most likely strike comedy gold. Trust me, you can’t miss.
Before we get into it, a little bit of background for you guys who haven’t seen the anti-genius that is Sharknado 2. Where to begin? Well, it’s a sequel to an ironic horror/sci-fi movie about a tornado that sucks up a bunch of sharks, which then wreak havoc on a bunch of characters played by Hollywood A-listers of yesteryear. It’s in the “so bad it’s good” category, but as you’re about to find out, this idea that a movie can be so bad it’s good is lost on some people.
Let’s jump right in with the first review.
- Science enthusiast
I posted this review on my Facebook page, and for good reason. Ignore the stupidity of someone critiquing the acting in a B-horror movie, which tends to be intentionally camp, and ignore the oh-so-awful comment about one of the actors having possibly suffered a stroke, and move onto the second-to-last sentence. This guy, in all his wisdom, states that his enjoyment of a movie about a shark-laden tornado might have increased had the plot explained “where all the sharks came from.” I’m going to go ahead and assume that if the screenplay writers had put some scientist type into the script to explain “the sharks came from the Pacific Ocean” or some shit that this bad-intentioned, dumb reviewer still wouldn’t have understood what irony is.
- Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, then I’m a freakin’ genius.
Oh, boy! This is the first time I’ve seen this one. I think it might be relatively hot off the press. Thanks for the belly laughs, guy. Every time I receive a bad review for a book, I think, At least this dude won’t read and review any others. I’m now rethinking that rationale. Having watched the first one and hated it, our genius amateur movie critic went back for a second bite. Something beyond reason happened: He didn’t enjoy the sequel. What did he expect from it? If he was thinking soppy Oscar bait, he was wrong. He got sharks in a tornado again. And with a title like Sharknado 2: The Second One, who can blame him for thinking it was otherwise.
- Amateur geneticist and all around good guy
There are quite a few one-star reviews for this movie insulting the intelligence of the people who like ironic film making, but this one’s my favorite. It’s his use of the word somewhat when defining the target demographic for the movie. If you are the product of generational inbreeding with an IQ of “somewhat lower than 3” then this movie’s for you. I’ve got news for you, buddy. You’re no Charles Darwin yourself. Given that the range of IQs you’ve stated merely goes from 1-2, everything single person with an IQ lower than 3 can only have an IQ somewhat lower than 3. And for all you Ivy-league college graduates with whopping IQs in the range of 3 to, say, 10, this movie probably isn’t for you. You’re way too intelligent for a movie about a shark-infested tornado. Keep practicing writing cynical reviews, buddy. You’re not quite there yet.
So there you have it. Next time you cozy up on your sofa and watch a movie on Netflix and have time to spare before you go to bed, use that time to read some reviews of said movie on the Netflix website. But make sure you save some of the popcorn for one-star reviews written by bad-intentioned assholes.
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You can check out my ironic comedy mystery book here. Anyone who’s crazy smart, maybe with an IQ as high as twenty, might not enjoy it.
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